Grieving What Never Was: Mourning the Illusion of the Relationship
There’s a kind of grief that doesn’t come with casseroles dropped at your door or sympathy cards in the mail. It’s not acknowledged the way a breakup or a death might be. But it’s just as real—sometimes even more painful. It’s the grief of letting go of the future you thought you were building. Of finally facing the truth: that what you were holding onto was a false narrative. A version of them that never truly existed.
Toxic relationships have a way of pulling you into a dream. Maybe they started out with grand gestures, promises of forever, or intense emotional highs. Maybe you clung to glimpses of their potential, the charm they turned on when they wanted you back, or the soft apologies that made you hope “this time would be different.” You didn’t fall in love with who they really were—you fell in love with who they told you they were. Who you needed them to be. And now, here you are, grieving not just the end of the relationship, but the illusion of it.
The Silent Grief of What Could Have Been
This grief is quiet. It creeps in late at night when the world goes still. It hits when you see someone else being loved the way you wanted to be. It lingers in old text messages, songs you used to play on repeat, and the places you imagined building a life together. It’s confusing because part of you wonders, “Was any of it real?” And the truth is: some of it might’ve been. But the most painful part? Much of it wasn’t.
You’re not just mourning them. You’re mourning the life you thought you were going to have. The version of you that was wrapped around that hope. And that’s why this pain runs so deep.
A Grounding Practice to Come Back to the Present
When the grief hits, try this simple grounding practice to remind yourself what’s real:
Sit somewhere quiet and place your hand over your heart.
Take a slow breath in through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale slowly through your mouth for 6 counts.
Say out loud or in your head:
“This pain is real, but so is my strength. I am here, in this moment. I choose to grieve the truth, not the false narrative.”Look around and name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste or imagine tasting. This will bring you out of the past and back into now.
You can do this as often as you need.
Journal Prompts to Help You Process This Grief:
What did I believe this relationship was going to give me?
What parts of that dream do I still wish were true?
What’s making me hold on to this false narrative?
How can I grow from this and ground myself to the truth?
Be honest. No judgment here—just truth. Just healing.
You Deserve to Mourn the Illusion
Don’t let anyone tell you to “just get over it.” You’re not weak because you’re struggling. You’re human. You’re someone who loved deeply, who hoped fiercely, who stayed longer than you should have because you wanted to believe in the best in someone.
But now, you’re someone who’s aware of the truth. Someone who’s ready to grieve what never was so you can make space for what truly could be.
And I want to remind you of this: The real thing—the love that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself—is still possible. But first, you have to let go of the lie.
If you need someone to talk this through with, I’m here. This is hard work, but you don’t have to do it alone. Let’s talk. Book a mini-session with me and let’s start untangling this grief together.
Join Our Supportive Community
If you're seeking a supportive community to guide you through personal growth, Kerry's Facebook group Rise Above Toxic Relationships is the perfect space to connect with like-minded women on a healing journey.
The group offers a safe, welcoming environment where members can openly share their experiences with toxic relationships—whether with a partner, parent, friend, or coworker—and gain clarity, strength, and hope.
Led by Kerry, a certified life coach who empowers women to reclaim their peace and self-worth, this group provides emotional support, real conversations, and practical tools to help you heal, grow, and create a life that feels good again.
