Why It’s So Hard to Let Go: The Trauma Bond Explained
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a relationship that’s hurting you—but you just can’t seem to walk away—you’re not alone. And you’re not weak. You’re human. There’s a reason why you feel so tangled up in it, even when you know it’s toxic. It’s called a trauma bond, and understanding it is the first step toward loosening its grip.
A trauma bond forms when a relationship is built on a cycle of intermittent reinforcement—meaning moments of abuse, manipulation, or emotional harm are mixed with periods of affection, apology, or even intense closeness. It’s this unpredictable back-and-forth that keeps you hooked. Dr. Ramani, a leading expert in narcissistic abuse, explains it like this: trauma bonds are like addiction. You’re constantly chasing the high of connection, of being seen and loved, and when that feeling comes back—even for a moment—it feels like a reward. But it never lasts.
The person hurting you isn’t always hurting you. And that’s what makes it so confusing. They might be warm, loving, and even remorseful at times. And in those moments, your nervous system calms down just enough to feel hopeful again. But soon after, the cycle starts again. That back-and-forth keeps your brain—and your heart—stuck in a loop. It's not just emotional. It's neurological. And that’s why walking away can feel impossible.
You might be in a trauma bond if:
You feel addicted to the relationship, even though it’s hurting you.
You constantly excuse or justify their harmful behavior.
You hold onto the few “good moments” and ignore the bad ones.
You feel anxious or panicked at the idea of losing them.
You believe you can “fix” them or that things will change if you just love them enough.
You blame yourself for their mistreatment.
You feel isolated from people who try to help you leave.
You leave… then go back… again and again.
If any of these hit close to home, I want you to know: it makes sense. You are not crazy. You are not weak. And you’re definitely not alone.
A Few Gentle First Steps to Start Breaking the Bond
Name it. Just acknowledging that what you’re experiencing might be a trauma bond is powerful. You’re not being dramatic—you’re waking up.
Stop justifying the harm. Begin to gently remind yourself that love should not require you to be in pain. If they were truly safe and healthy, you wouldn’t feel this torn.
Journal the truth. Keep a private space to write down the reality of the relationship. Not the “potential” or the rare good moments, but what is actually happening. This helps you stay grounded when doubt creeps in.
Reconnect with safe people. Isolation feeds trauma bonds. Start rebuilding even just one supportive connection outside the relationship.
Don’t shame yourself for missing them. That longing doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It means you’re human. Missing someone doesn’t mean they were good for you.
Seek support. Trauma bonds are complex. You don’t have to unravel this on your own. Reach out to a therapist, coach, or someone you trust who understands emotional abuse.
You deserve relationships that don’t leave you in survival mode. That don’t break you down and then ask you to be grateful for the crumbs of kindness. Real love doesn’t make you question your worth. And you can get to the other side of this.
If you think you might be in a trauma bond and want to talk more about it, I’m here. Email me at kerry@kerryrasenberger.com—you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Healing is possible. And it starts with understanding what’s really going on.
You’re not broken. You’re brave. And you’re beginning.
